As I sit here in the Sitzmark Hotel in the middle of Vail Colorado I am very disappointed. Disappointed at working very hard only to end up in much lower placing than I expected. Disappointed in my abilities. Disappointed in my outlook on kayaking.
This is a hard blog for me to write. I don't have photos, I don't have video. Just thoughts, thoughts that are spilling out onto this page as fast as I can think about them.
Maybe I try to balance too much. I'm back in college, still trying to train in creek boating, still trying to train in freestyle. I also try to work as much as I can. I can't kayak when I am working. I don't make money if I don't work. I don't get paid to kayak. I go massively into debt to train and compete in competitions. The only way to make money when I am not working is to win. I have not been winning.
Maybe I lost my edge. I haven't won a creek race since my best friend died last year. This is always on the top of my head.
Maybe I can't take the pressure anymore. I used to be able to come from behind and go for it but that's not happening anymore.
I'm competing against people who kayak all the time, year round, as a job. They travel all over the world to train on the best features and creeks. They eat, sleep, and breathe kayaking. They have coaches that train them day in and day out. They have a team of paddlers who they train with. They get paid to go kayaking. How can I win against that??
So now what?
I applied to Nursing school at USC Upstate in SC. I won't know if I got in until August. I have a hard time justifying doing the Colorado/Freestyle tour if I only find disappointment out of it. Who know's what the next year will bring. I'm not even sure what I'm going to be doing in 6 weeks.
I know one thing, I am so lucky to have the loving boyfriend and the amazing family that I was born into. I also am honored to have my sponsors who have all become like family to me.
Liquid Logic Kayaks, Kokatat Watersports Wear, Werner Paddles, Shred Ready Helmets, and Bomber Gear skirts.
I'm also thankful for my friend Haley Mills, my 5x5 team mate. I have a lot to be thankful for. Kayaking is just kayaking in the end of the day. I want to go way further in my life than being a professional kayaker. I want to be a wife, a mother, a successful woman. I feel like I am digging that track right now.
Thanks for listening, sorry it was boring. My next blog post will be much better!!